when people basically tell you you’re weird

I knew from the start that I am not fit to work in a very conventional environment and I am not the one who’s faking to be someone else. So when you meet me, it’s just me… so hello everyone🙂

The only exception would be that I will never be ugly to anyone. I can do stern, sarcastic and overly friendly but not ugly. I can have another opionion but accept others… etc etc etc

I am by no means an angel and I don’t believe to be better than anyone… those are only the things I try to keep doing. I actually would have loved to be treated that way millions of times in the past.

But well enough explanations…

So this is me, getting told interesting things…

during school times:

  • at kindergarten: ‘you can’t play with her, she is to weird!’
  • primary school: ‘nobody likes her, you should not be a friend to her.’
  • I am an arrogant beast.
  • I am a slut.
  • I am THE ice princess – nobody is allowed to touch me. BUT I am a slut… so I am both… interesting!

work life:

  • when helping a lovely colleague, I got told that I should not interfere and that personX has been right when calling me ‘improperly’ – behind my back obviously.
  • I am not allowed to talk like I do.
  • I am also not allowed asking something to be done ‘in that bossy way’.
  • I offended my colleague by greeting people with a HELLO – even if I have talked with them again and again and we’re on a friendly basis.
  • I am definitely way to unconventional!
  • Also the – I am an arrogant bitch – came back at me again.
  • I think I am better than others… I mean… hello? what else??? ay?🙂
  • I am Miss-I-know-it-better … due to telling someone that I have done that before and know what it is about to shorten the training period.

private life:

  • I am plain boring, thick and fat.
  • How could anyone love me?
  • I am not worth more than a quickie.
  • I should wear different clothes – I need to dress like the other girls.
  • I should let my hair get cut like those girls… look how pretty they are!
  • Feel different! I am not allowed to feel and think on my own.

 

I have forgotten a lot that has hurt me in the past and gets on my nerves nowadays. It doesn’t matter how you call it…. bullying, mobbing, being plain ugly… we all kinda know it.

Should we tell the ones that like to harm, that they should shut the fuck up? I mean… that would be nice but at one point you will run out of job offers😀

Should we tell everyone that whatever he or she is saying is a big pile of bullshit?

 

Instead we should NOT go down to where they are, let’s step up, standing over it and over them. Smiling at their faces, knowing it better und loving the ones who truly love us.

By now I am truly proud when I am called different or unconventional …

It is and always will be my pleasure!😀

 

being in your 30s

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I never really cared what age I am… but suddenly some life changing things are happening…

  1. we are thinking of getting a house – mortgage, not renting. things are getting somewhat difficult in Vienna. we are seeing more and more drug addictive, injections lying around, dealers… apart from that there is a explosively increase of people (all nations, this article has no political background). we are in no harms way as 2 dogs will scare away everyone but we have to be super careful that they are not eating or treading on something. we manage that, of course, but it’s such a nuisance! If there would be any danger to the dogs, we would pack up our things and go away straight away… we are looking for renting a house too, that is cheaper and we could save up money easier.
  2. I will be losing this job quite soonish which is no financial problem but that makes me thinking of what to do next. I know that I definitely don’t want to work in a bank again. I probably still would like to try office work again but if there is a possibility for reschooling that would be interesting too… but what? decisions decisions decisions

there is no reason getting a solution on everything right now but those things are still circling through my mind. I am not young enough to give a shit about future though I don’t feel old at all… I think I just don’t want to waste my time on something I don’t like doing. at the moment work is totally something I don’t like doing. It used to be different. I liked working…

I am speeding toward a change in life not even knowing whereto… so I’ll just keep speeding waiting for that viewing platform to come getting a breathtaking view on my possibilities…🙂

 

journey1

 

 

good morning sunshine

flower bee

flower bee

Sometimes, even if it gets rare nowadays, I stop to take a picture of something that caught my eye. In this case I happened to see the pretty purple flower on a walk with ZaZaZoo, having enough time to stop by as Tom had her on the leash. perfect! So I got down, zooming in with my camera phone and got a lucky shot catching a bee having a snack.🙂

Looking at that picture strangly calms me down, so I just had to share it🙂 Also as much as I hate wasps, I LOVE bees! They are pretty and fluffy and mind their own business, staying calm when strangers take a picture of them *lol*

Things get kinda back to normal… I found out that my seizures are actually epilepsy – but that disturbes me less than not knowing what’s going on. I take my medicine and endure nausea and headache. But some things will take their while… whereas I never cared about some dizzyness or higher heartrate or some bodypart cramping up, I now listen closely and freak out a little. Before I just didn’t care, I kept going. I don’t feel at ease when there is loud music, the bass makes me dizzy (it probably done that before, I just didn’t notice) and that annoys me big time. I’d love to go out dancing! But well, one step at a time…

 

Another topic, how do you feel about the heat? My hound suffers big time, as all sighthounds do… heat is unbearable.

Usually my cat has no problems with heat, lying in the sun while we’re about to die🙂 But this time he looked like that:

Nero Cornish Rex

Unfortunatly for me he was lying on my lap operating as oven making me really uncomfortable… but he looked cute🙂

 

mixed-media teapot

mixed media teapot

aaaaaaa lot of things are happening lately… some of them are frightening and some are exciting. some of them made me rethink what I want of life and where I want to go.

In February I had a seizure, followed by some serious questioning… as I started to take it as a once in a lifetime thing, it hit me again end of March, followed by some nasty but still small panic attacks.

Being so helpless, not able to control my body, still not even knowing what it is that makes me falling on the floor unconscious and shaking, really really really frightens me. I try not to think about it to not let panic surface again. But on the other hand it made me think, it made me craving a change of work environment…

So there I am, brainstorming and half-planning/half-dreaming about what I want to do and where I want to go. Some things need to be settled first, some things come a little unexpected needing immediate action but still, there is a plan and it feels good. I know that I could fail but I’m ready to try! no risk no fun!

As for the exciting news: in July we will get a new family member. A second dog, also a Greyhound, called ‘Fate’. She wasn’t planned and just ‘happened’ as fate usually does🙂 We have had chosen next year to be the perfect year to get a second dog, but everything fell into place on it’s own and we are totally relaxed and happy. Sometimes it’s nice to not having to plan everything in advance, sometimes it’s nice when things just happen!

Fate

Another exciting aspect is that somehow out of a sudden I felt the urge to blog RIGHT NOW. I haven’t had this feeling for quite a while. I felt uneasy and stressed and today is just a good day and nothing else! I don’t know if this feeling will keep up so please don’t be angry with me that updates come so rarely.

You might be waiting for that mixed-media teapot…😉 Some time ago B. (
, Hauptsache es gibt Tee dazu!) sent me a picture of a teapot covered in flowers and other mixed-media stuff and we both wanted to do that straight away! That straight away took us a few months or so but this past weekend we met and finished this project. And there will be a second mixed-media teapot weekend coming up soonish!🙂 I do like my old and rusty looking, vintage teapot that before altering looked like that but the silver and rust colour thing is not really something I love… I would fancy something lighter, brighter… lol

So there just needs to be a new mixed-media teapot project!😀

mixed media teapot

when STOP is all there is…

When things you love start to become a nuisance something is seriously wrong in your life. And I am not really talking about your life… but talking ’bout mine.

I haven’t recognised it first or better I just didn’t want to. I stopped reading, I had no energy left to plug in the earplugs to listen to some music, I just couldn’t find the words to write something on my blogs. Time to paint or craft? No way! I still can’t do any of these… it is a huge effort to get back to writing although it is not a chore – otherwise I wouldn’t do it. I am just trying to get back to doing things I actually love. And it is so hard, I am tearing up already.

It is so much easier to keep running away from what is bad in your life… it is so much easier to close your eyes, to keep saying, that it is not that bad … ‘get a grip, girl, and keep on going! don’t be a pussy!’

And I kept going, never daring to look closer into what is causing me to feel like an empty shell, doing hardly anything else apart from getting up for work, coming home and falling asleep on the couch – no energy left for anything else. Til that day I came home and broke down, getting a free ride with the ambulance to the hospital… Who would have ever thought that stress is causing epilepsy?

And now? Nearly 2 months later I am struggling hard. What am I going to do? Where am I heading? Am I being a pussy after all? Am I weak? Should I just stop being ‘silly’ and get back on working, after all… it is ONLY office work… It drives me crazy, it totally does. I am torn between what I want to do and what I think I am ought to do…

I feel so weak, sometimes I feel embaressed and ashamed… in todays environment there is no place for someone who is not functioning the way other people want it… and if getting belittled by others wouldn’t be enough I do it to myself, I keep thinking on and on that whatever is bothering me is just not worth it. My sorrows are not worth it. There are people out there with ‘real’ problems… who am I to freak out like this? … just not worth the struggle…

(I am not talking about harming myself, I am only talking about struggling to better protect myself)

Heute in der U-Bahn

heute frĂŒh sitzt eine obdachlose, alte, kleine und sehr blasse Dame in der Bahn. Sie riecht sehr sehr streng und alle Leute geben ihr diesen ‘oh mein Gott’ Blick. Sie bemerkt es glĂŒcklicherweise nicht, da sie schlĂ€ft. ich denke mir, dass ich ihr gerne zumindest meine Bananen in die Hand drĂŒcken möchte. Aber sie schlĂ€ft, ich hadere mit mir. Mir tut das Herz weh sie so zu sehen. Dann wacht sie plötzlich auf und ich denke mir, ‘das ist meine Chance!’, aber dann blickt sie um sich und sieht die Menschen um sich herum. Ihr Blick ist voller tiefer Scham, sie versucht mit der Wand zu verschmelzen, nicht aufzufallen und ich kann einfach nicht hingehen. soll ich sie noch weiter bloß stellen? HĂ€tte ich es doch tun sollen?

wooden display case (Setzkasten)

setzkasten

My Dad made me this wooden display case when I was young – back then when is was ultra cool to have one of them and to collect stuff. And I had the biggest display case of all – and handmade too. Of course, when you’re young you can’t really appreciate it to it’s full extend…

Now years later it has sentimental value. My Dad died couple of years ago and even if I wasn’t sure how to use it, I was not able to give it away! I gave it some thought and we will use it for Toms matchbox cars.

I will clean it and paint it white – well as soon as I find some time to do it🙂

It feels good to not only keep it but also to give it a new purpose!

Love you, Dad!

setzkasten

Kreativ & Schön

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Today I finally made it to see Tatjana, bibi bunt and Stilecke ‘live’ on a creative market.

I know Tatjana for some years now and since some time she is busy scrapbooking. She definitely is putting love and effort into it and that you can see! She is also taking orders so feel free to look at her page and get in touch with her (click on her name on top to get to her blog)!

 

Bibi Bunt is also making lovely things out of paper! She got into scrapbooking cause of Tatjana… It’s the scrapbook virus😀 She as well takes orders and her mum is making those lovely oil paintings. Her husband is behind Stilecke. So if you find any of these things exciting, get in touch with them🙂

(click on their names on top to get to the blog/homepage)

 

sneak peak: picture frame with foamboards

picture frame2

On Saturday K. and I were invited round B. for another round of creativity🙂 The plan was rough: we had a picture frame, foamboards in 3 different sizes and the photos we wanted to integrate in our project.

B. gave us some magazines where we could have taken a look at for inspiration but somehow I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I like the outcome but I have to say that if I would be doing it again I would do it differently. Isn’t it always like that? Or is it just me??? lol

picture frame1

I like this photo so much🙂 It is the pullover-print ‘natural born killer’ in combination with ZaZaZoo’s facial expression. Love it!

Though before we started, we met outside to let our dogs get used to eachother. The first time they met (which was some weeks ago) ZaZaZoo has not been totally convinced to like the babygirl Lynn… That’s why we have been so thrilled that this time all went fine – best friends and all!

Lynn and ZaZaZoo

Greyhound (1,5 years) – Irish Wolfhound (13 weeks)

Lynn is still a baby, that’s why she stayed leashed outside. Better safe than sorry, accidents can happen – as we well know. (Lynn is also wearing ZaZaZoo’s puppy collar, as long as it will fit… lol You can see that she will be a huge dog! Especially when I tell you that ZaZaZoo has a shoulder height of 69cm!)

After that perfect encounter we went home to B. and let the dogs play in the garden – always having an eye on them. We had to separate them throughout the day as they just would not have stopped playing but both dogs need their time resting – even if they are not thinking of that themselves.

We on the other hand had breakfast and then started working. We have been quite fast although we often took a break caring for the dogs, taking a bite of leftover breakfast, talked a lot, …

It was a really pleasant day with a lot of action for our dogs (both of them slept through the next day – minus going out and having something to eat).

As soon as I can get some photos done with better lighting you will get a view of the whole Picture frame🙂

picture frame2

I thought that the stylish women match perfectly with the statue like pose of ZaZaZoo.

A wellness weekend in Loipersdorf

loipersdorf

We had a lovely weekend in Loipersdorf! It was really really relaxing, no stress, no hurry… BUT I am not really the ‘I do nothing and I’m happy with that’ type of girl and so it happened that I got bored after a few hours lying on a bed inside the thermal bath Loipersdorf. Luckily we got hungry and we decided to go to town for something to eat and to have a look if we find a book or so.

We went to “the italian” in FĂŒrstenfeld which was really pretty inside and the food was freshly made and the pasta was even homemade. Would not have expected that on the outside!

Afterwards we went to the shopping mall next to it. We just wanted to get something to read but ended up having a small shopping trip… have I told you that we went shopping the day before right after getting there? no? well, now you know… we’ve done a fair bit of shopping already (got myself Jeans)… didn’t stop me to buy a new bikini, nail polish, conditioner and that book I was really after. K. and N. bought some things too😀

We went back to the thermal bath and I was happy to be able to read something. I have chosen the book ‘Jesus loves me’ of David Salier which sounds very christian but is just plain hilarious!

We stayed 2 nights at GĂ€stehaus Karin in Loipersdorf, roughly 5 Minutes away from the thermal bath. I can totally recommend this bed&breakfast. All is bright and clean, Karin herself is a nice host and the breakfast is more than enough: coffee is lovely, you got homemade bread and cake, vegetables and fruit depending on the season, homemade jam and honey from the region, …
And apart from that it is so much cheaper than to stay at the thermal bath hotel directly.

We are thinking of doing such a girl-weekend again🙂